Chelsea v Borussia Dortmund: Champions League last 16, second leg – live

Borussia Dortmund get the ball rolling. Meanwhile Charles Antaki has just got back to his seat from the snack kiosk, just in time. “Why not try a hot dog? Why not indeed – who could resist that unctuous, not-quite-BBC voice? As it happens, I don’t think any of the cinemas I used to go to in my youth actually had hotdogs (and if they did, they would be very suspicious). But you could get certainly get Kia-Ora in some remarkably uncool plastic cartons. Ou sont les neiges d’antan? Not in the local Enormo-Plex, I suspect.”

The teams are out! A hot atmosphere on a cold night at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea wear their royal blue shirts, while Dortmund sport their first-choice gelbe und schwarze Hemden. The Liquidator, followed by the Uefa-sanctioned bastardisation of Zadok the Priest, blasts out of the PA system. Meanwhile Brendan Large would like to counter the teeming pre-match postbag o’pessimism with some countdown-to-kickoff correspondence o’confidence. “James and Chilwell starting at wing-back together is big (fairly certain the injuries happened after Tuchel got the boot). If the back three can hold firm those two can make chances all day. Joao Felix has been brilliant and just needs to adjust his shooting boots a touch to hit the target and not the bar. Sterling and Havertz are great finishers on their day also.” Godspeed, everyone, then, may the best team win. We’ll be off, at long last, in a couple of minutes.

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